I truly love my class.

This week is International Week. In keeping with the theme my year group is looking at Great Britain. On Tuesday morning as a starter activity I wrote on the board "In your notebook write 10 facts about Great Britain". Exactly 30 seconds later I was approached by a tearful member of the class "Miss L I don't know *anything* about Great Britain, I've never been there...."

In what is likely to be my last post of 2007 I shall say only this - I had an AWESOME birthday. Which lasted about 4 days and involved me being waiting on hand and foot. My man is very nice to me indeed. Pity his birthday is November. I might have to make sure he has a special weekend in January, rather than waiting another 11 months.

On another note I now officially have the reputation for "member of staff with the shittest car" at school. My secret santa actually bought me a radio controlled Jeep and stuck a note on top to the effect that it would be likely to be more reliable than the rubbish I turn up in every day. Just because the RAC like to visit me in the school car park....

My car is invisible. FACT. This is the only explanation I have for being on a roundabout and having right of way and still nearly being driven into by a fucking bus.

My Class Are WEIRD Part #8374849393747567574

One of the boys in my class has been trying to "have a word" with me since last week. Today we had the word. Oh. Dear. God.

Boy: Can I talk to you know about that thing?

Me: Yes, of course.

Boy: I would like to take you out on a date.

Me: ....That's very kind C but no thank you.

Boy: I really like you. Please can I take you out on a date? We can go to a French restaurant.

Me: Really, it's very kind but I can't. I'm dating somebody else but it's very nice of you to ask.

Boy: (disappointed)...OK

The boy in question is seven.

Have I mentioned how much I fucking LOVE my class? This week one of them told me with a convincingly straight face that one of her best friends was Beatrix Potter. Not only that, she helped Potter write Peter Rabbit. This little "fact" has now been repeated about 3 times. Bizarre.

The Christmas shopping has been started but I still have rather a lot to do. And an end of term to prepare for. Hmph.

Well now, there's an interesting couple of days. Yesterday the fan thing on the car went completely and utterly kaput. Result? Inability to drive caused by mad rain misting EVERYTHING up. I had to call the RAC and sit in the car for an hour and a sodding half. The RAC man's "solution" was to hit something really, really hard with a spanner. The fan now works. But only at full blast, meaning my car goes from fucking freezing to face-melting hot in about 10 seconds. I have to drive with the bloody windows down.

And today we nearly drowned a child. Five times she went down, I think, and a couple of the other kids even asked if she was drowning. "Oh no!" declared the swimming teacher, with admirable calm, "she's alright". Didn't look alright to me but the swimming teacher hauled her out after about 30 seconds and then made her go straight back in. Traumatising stuff.

This is why the Tories should NEVER be allowed power. The second sentence in particular has me reaching for the nearest axe...

"We want to introduce a simple test which means at the end of two years of primary school we know whether or not children have mastered the skills they need to read".

"Once children have got that skill, then teachers are free to inspire them, and children are free to read and explore on their own."

I was watching Starshaped the other day and what an incredibly depressing experience that turned out to be. I've not seen it in years after my video copy got ruined so when it popped up on Amazon for a mere £1.75 I couldn't help feeling it would have been rude not to buy it. You live and learn it seems, as Blur looked ridiculously young. And sounded it. I used to sit there, hanging off their every word, thinking about how cool they were and how what they said was at the very least incredibly fun. And now they just sound childish. Damon was always a bit of an arse but I really hadn't appreciated how much until now. Damn, damn, damn.

Is it possible to die of tired? I think I may be approaching that point....

This is why I teach.

Child "Miss L, I know of another war"

Me "Oh yes, and which one would that be?"

Child "The Waterloo War"

Me "Really? You mean The Napoleonic Wars and the Battle of Waterloo?"

Child "Yes, the Waterloo War. I know because when I was in year two I used to play Abba with S and K and I was always Beni"

Me "-"

You can tell year three ANYTHING...

The head of year three is able to whistle in a really quite ear-shattering way using two fingers. It's something I've never been able to master and caused one of my class to approach him and ask "How did you do that with your fingers?" The response? "Magic hands". At which point the little girl nodded "Oh" and wandered off. Seriously, you can tell them anything.

Oh yes, and the Flight Of The Conchords pastiche of the Pet Shop Boys is the single greatest thing I have ever seen.

Oh. Dear. God. I listened to XFM this evening (I know, I know) and up pops an advert "TIME FOR HEROES! The best of The Libertines. Listen to the sound of a generation". At which point I may have started talking to the radio. Quite sharply. Sound of a generation? Most people didn't catch on until Pete was well and truly out of the band. Most people didn't catch on until after the band had sodding well broken up. Beyond depressing and with the news that Babyshambles is going to "play" Wembley next month I can only assume the other three, or Rough Trade, are especially hard up in the run up to Christmas.

So half term utterly rocked and now is utterly over. Bugger. The highlights...

Three days with Claire and Clare ooop north. Well, Leek, which is pretty damn north to me. Clare has the best view ever from her house. Proper wild and stuff.

We had a night out in Manchester which included driving along the Mancunian Way about 5 times by accident - we wanted Deansgate but kept missing the bloody turning. The only thing I could think was "hmmm, this bit of road looks familiar", realising afterwards that it ought to look sodding familiar after the number of times I've watched Life On Mars. We wound up in a club where I decided I'm probably now officially too old for such places. Or, at least, such places outside of London. Maybe it's just me but I really don't get excited by She Bangs The Drum and There She Goes. Ever.

Then there was Alton Towers. Genius place! Nemesis and Enterprise did cause me to almost vomit, which was unfortunate. And the Corkscrew gave me genuine concussion. Tremendous. As it was Halloween there was some scary type thing in the Towers (as the old house is known). It involved actors and Clare practically jumping on my back at one point when an actor came up and snorted behind her. I nearly died laughing. And then an actor stalked up to me, declaring "You're going to DIE!" Unfortunately I can never quite get in the spirit for that sort of thing, and helpfully pointed out to him "Doesn't everyone?" and smiled. I expect he hates me.

Before heading back to the south we went shopping in Hanley, one of the towns that make up the horror that is Stoke On Trent. Dear god, it's grim. No wonder Robbie Williams worked so bloody hard with all the drugs and partying to escape. On the upside it does have the biggest Primark I have ever seen.

Friday night I met up with one of the girls I taught with in Kent and we went to see Stardust. I can honestly say I had no idea what the film was about, save that there was a fantasy element. And I spent twenty minutes not at all sure I liked it. By the end, despite Ricky Gervase once again playing David Brent, I loved it. Really loved it. And would like to see it again. It reminded me an awful lot of The Princess Bride, with the added bonus that Charlie Cox is much better looking than Cary Elwes. And there's also the Norwich connection. At one point in the film the protagonists visit "The Slaughtered Prince", a medieval pub. Which to me looked awfully like a place on Elm Hill in Norwich I used to occasionally visit for lunch. As I'm pondering we get another shot from a different angle. And bugger me, there's the church on the corner and as they swing round the bear shop, the windows all covered up. Good to know that my Norwich obsession is such I can recognise the place from one building and a bit of wall....

God I rock. Three days into half term and all my planning is done, all my assessments are marked and all my children's work is levelled. I can now do fuck all for the next SIX DAYS. Result.

Another school item, because I think about nothing else.

Yesterday we had a pub quiz. Except it was in a classroom, no one was drunk and the average age of the participants was 7. Still, there were daft team names, arguments over answers and doodles on the sheets so in every other sense it could have been a pub on a Monday night anywhere in England. One argument reduced a child to tears - he insisted our current queen was named Elizabeth, another member of the team was certain it was Victoria. Apparently he believes (from what I could hear) we are living in Victorian times and since you get Victorian from Victoria, the queen must be Victoria. Quite logical. Utterly wrong but quite logicial. At least most children knew that the prime minister is Gordon Brown. I say most because one team were insistent it was George Harrison. Quite where 7 year olds got a member of The Beatles who's been dead 5 years or so I can't imagine but I did tell them I rather liked the idea of George being pm. They, as always, looked at me as if I were crazy.

Ah so I rewatched Doubt the other day. I don't really like it. No, that's not fair. What I don't like is the Gideon overdub. It absolutely destroys the flow of the episode and is so ridiculously self-absorbed I wanted to throw things at the tv, even on a second viewing. Timings seemed odd - the unsub getting picked up so early threw me and I wonder how much was lost to accomodate writing Gideon out. Personally I would have had him join the team as per usual and then accidentally walk in front of a bus. A proper, shocking, unpredictable accident. No mucking around and no "I need to find my peace".

I have discovered a new way to have fun with children. We tried a few thinking skills today. I'd put up a statement and my 7 year olds had to think and decide how they felt. One of the statements was "Girls shall only be allowed to wear dresses". One of the boys immediately piped up "Well, I think it's good because boys like to see girls wearing dresses but also it's bad because boys don't always want to see girls wearing dresses". And then the girls got started. The horror! They wouldn't be able to rock climb! Or go to karate! Or ride bikes! Or play football! Or sit on the carpet! One of the boys then suggested they might not be able to go swimming. Consternation was reaching epic levels by now, and I casually mentioned that 100 years ago women were only allowed to wear very long dresses and that swimming involved special equipment. The girls couldn't believe their ears!

And then there was the question of Sky....ah, this was a good one. The statement said "England matches shall only be shown on Sky Sports". One boy's hand shot up "I think it's fine. I've got Sky Sports so I'll be alright". Charming child. Most other children thought it would either be unfair because some people might miss it or fair because tv wouldn't be swamped with football (especially as one boy was suggesting when football is on it should be on every channel). The conversation began to move around to channels - most children just thought if you didn't have Sky you should get it or a digital box and anyway, they had lots of channels to watch so it wouldn't matter. So I told them that when I was their age there were only 4 channels. Horror. Horror and shock. Fantastic. So I then pointed out that until I was 7 there were only 3 channels. They stared. They muttered to each other. I tried desperately not to laugh. And then I asked how many had tvs in their room. About half as it turned out, and most had more than one tv in the house. With an evil grin I told them that when I was a child people only had one tv which broadcast a mere 4 channels, and almost no one had a home computer. One girl turned to her neighbour and in a tone of utter horror declared "ONE TV AND NO COMPUTER!" I decided to leave black and white tvs and lack of the internet for the next time I freak them out...

Honestly, I really do have the weirdest class in the school. Only my year 3 children could come up with the following over the course of a single day....

"If God made everything, who made God?"

"God didn't make anything because God is dead" (this provoked quite an argument)

(on the subject of strangers) "These two children took this other child and threw rocks at him and then put him under a train so he was cut up into pieces"

"I read that this teenage boy dressed up as a policeman and kidnapped a little girl and no one helped her because they all thought he was a policeman"

(when coming out with our own 10 commandments) "You must not put bombs on buses"

Great to know my class worry about the existence of God, the activities of terrorists, Jamie Bulger and evil policeman.

Last week over two thirds identified McDonalds from a sloppily drawn M on the whiteboard. Honestly, I despair for the future of mankind.

I'm such a bad teacher...On Thursday one of my favourite kids came up to me with a website she'd been using at home. It was on shape poems (the subject of literacy for the week) and involved using a website for writing one that could then be printed off. So I asked her if she could demonstrate it to the class. She was quite happy to do so and then proceeded to basically teach my lesson for 25 minutes. She sat in my chair by the computer, rest of the class on the carpet in front of her and asked all the right questions. And the whole class then came up with a rather nice poem about a gift box. Which, prompted by her, they self-edited. I just stood to one side, occasionally adding a comment, although I didn't really need to. So I'm now so lazy that I get my own class to teach themselves.

The same little girl has also taught me a way to remember how to spell dairy (after I asked the class to help me) - she suggested "there's air in a dairy and air is spelt a-i-r". Genius. I'll never get it wrong again.

Friday was sandwich making. Less fraught than I would expect and I managed to snaffle a load of free bread at the end of the day, and freeness makes me disgustingly cheerful. Next week we have assessments and a school trip. No planning but distressing levels of marking. I'm going to try and mark one assessment as the children struggle through the next one. Cunning.

Try not to cry, it's a meme...

30 years ago

I was a couple of months away from my second birthday and living in Maidstone. The only thing I remember was the fire across the road three weeks before I turned two. A girl died and I've been petrified of fire ever since.

25 years ago

Ah, infant school...I loved school. Still love school.

20 years ago

My mum was at work. I was in bed. My sister was in bed. My dad was watching a bit of telly. About 3 hours later THE storm (of the century, apparently) hit the south east and my mum was trapped, handventilating babies until the power came back at the hospital. We didn't get power at home for 3 days. No school either, though my dad is such a joker he pretended there was school and worried us by saying we'd really overslept and were going to be late. Twenty years ago this very evening.

15 years ago

I was studying for my A levels and generally being 16 I think. Not the most exciting year of my life.

10 years ago

My final year at university. Four hours of lectures a week. Tough times....

5 years ago

Living in London and going to Libertines gigs about every two seconds. Awesome times. I was either at gigs, drunk or hungover most of the time. Work was bloody dull though and I wasn't happy there at all.

2 years ago

Living in my beloved Norwich and loving every second of teacher training. Less cheerfully, I was whole week away from being diagnosed as Type I diabetic, so I was also deathly pale, stupidly thin, peeing for Britain and sleeping like the dead.

1 year ago

Unemployed and trying to find supply work. Hideously skint and fucking fed up.

6 months ago

Ah, hating every single second of life at my school.

Today

Hooray! I love the school I'm at and appear to have some kind of playground based fanclub. And it's half term in less than ten days....

I really love my class. They actually groaned today when they found out I wouldn't be teaching them this afternoon. How cute. I'm not sure why they like me so much though. I moan at them all the time about not handing in homework and making a mess of their books. Strange...

This Friday we are making sandwiches. Terrifying prospect involving knives, tuna, ham and lettuce. And in at least one case a tuna, strawberry and apple sandwich. I shall stay away when the child munches that particular combo. Although it's less distressing than the "turd, littus, plum" attempt of someone else on the same table. I can only pray that they mean tuna....